The ‘M” word.

At first, I avoided using the word. I would rather give a lengthy description like
“the body voluntarily expels the tissue from the uterus”
which is what the doctor said in medical term.

In layman term, the word is “miscarriage”.

I thought I shouldn’t give that word such power over me. It is no big deal I said.
Aunt Ai Ling had a miscarriage, aunt Elsie also, my mom too, when she overstrained at work some twenty years ago. Giles’ wife-Alice, and more recently, Brendan’s brother’s wife, plus my cousin-in-law- Jessica, all had gone through the unfortunate experience.
And these are only the people I know.
But I soon realize that by refusing to acknowledge the word, I was in denial and was not coming to term with it.

I had a miscarriage two weeks ago on a Saturday night, past eleven to midnight.
I wonder why didn’t the doctor pre-empt me about the pain and what to expect.
The cramps came and lasted 3 hours which I eventually relented and went to the hospital after enduring the last hour of pain and breaking in cold sweat.
Why did the doctor say to expect just a week of light bleeding and did not say anything about the “tissue”, as they term it, being expelled in a chunk.

I was given two weeks leave to be resting at home.

In western medicine, you only need to rest, eat a balanced meal. There is no such thing as no drinking of plain water or chilled water for that matter.

I went to the Chinese “Sin-say” (physician) for treatment with the TCM way.
Sin-say said that the womb was weak, hence embryo were not likely to flourish, plus the “Qi” (breath) was weak and circulation poor. He prescribed some herbs for brewing and I asked if he will see me on a monthly basis to help restore my health.
He is an old man and I could sense his compassion when he said, -- “Sure, come back, take care, and in future, this will not happen.”

My friends were appalled that I was drinking plain water and that I wasn’t putting on long pants and sweaters. They were appalled that I washed my hair and did the dishes. They were appalled that I was going back to work. They were sorry I went to do marketing and had to cook for myself cos I had no help. I wasn’t sorry for myself. I could do it on my own, I don’t see the fuss except there was a little strain walking back with the heavy grocery, but I am fine. I have never been someone who will think that I should lay back and be taken care of. I am harden and do not think that it is bad.

Why are you doing this? – Val asked me when I told her I will just go back to work for a couple of hours 3 times a week.

Ya, why?

I did a lot of refection with the new-found time I have confined at home.

This is a big wake-up call.

I cried watching the movie “Click” on HBO

You wonder why, it was a comedy isn’t it?

Adam Sandler was as an executive architect, working long hours, always putting off dates for his children, holidays for his family and was always aiming for the next promotion, or, to complete the next project and yet another promotion. His priority was to “get there” (get to the top of the corporate ladder) so that he can then take things at a slower pace and have time and money for his family, which is his love.

On his birthday, he was presented with a Universal Remote Control that could let him have control of time. He could pause a scene, forward or rewind. He could set time in auto-pilot mode where he could just live through his life without the mental focus or being mentally present. This way, he was able to reach his corporate goals.

But time flew by and before he realized, he was old. Like 60 yrs old.

His children had grown up and he has become a stranger, his wife divorced him as he was emotionally absent most of the time, and he was most regretful that his father passed on and he wasn’t there.

He had a heart attack at his son’s wedding and he was at the hospital, deathbed. His son visited him and told him that he would cancel his honeymoon as there was some business meeting that came up which he had to take care. The son repeated what was drilled upon him, “Business comes first”.

“Business comes first, dad” he said to him while leaving the room.

No, no no., Adam tried to say. No, son, no.

But the son couldn’t hear him under all the breathing tubes.

He was desperate to correct the son. He pulled off all the tubes on him, ran out of the building under the pouring rain and risking his last breath, called out to the son.
Desperately he called out to him.

“Family first,,,,, family first”….

Of course this is drama but it drummed home to me that I should never loose sight of what is important in my life.
The regret of putting off little things that eventually hit back on me. The regret of neglecting my health in my process of pushing myself to the limit.
Prolonged neglect and the ignorance of thinking I was invincible. Thinking work comes first and letting sloth take over. Sloth in taking care of my health. Knowing what to do but succumbing to laziness and taking myself out or allowing myself to be talked-out, is plain laziness.

I was bitter that I had so much fear in me and I was not living my life as magnificently as I know I could. I was not free.

For one ounce of insecurity I had, I compensated with one pound of work.
I prided myself with my work achievements, the sales, the figures and results.

What was I doing?

Great job.

But it does not have to be at the expense of my health or of my family.

I had lost the balance and the fall was painful.

So now, I learn.

I learn about my own demons. My fear, my insecurities, the pretence of strength when it was brute. The camouflage of satisfaction. I learn about the depth of my unhealthy-tolerance, the weakness of my mind to be unwisely persuaded. I learn about the long term effects of relenting to the ease of things, to short-cuts.

There is no use crying over spilt milk. I can only be grateful that I learnt now.

Like Adam, the second chance is now.